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Oct. 7th, 2016 10:17 pm
spiralflames: (black_cat)
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it's the best time of the year...i refuse to sink into grimness because of the impending DARKNESS that will really kick in once we lose an hour to the time change...but i am not a cave woman, i am living in the 21st century, and there are LIGHTS and there is caffeine! huzzah!
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i've shyly started practicing, doing good work on brahms op 117 and relearning rorem's _poems of love and the rain_. which deserves more appreciation. i'm without a rudder- no lover to play for, no smart adult students to teach, no teacher. and i don't say that in a self-pitying way, either-- for the first time...damn...EVER..i'm not fighting for anyone, not fighting against anyone, not trying to prove myself to anyone. i admitted to richard in a phone conversation "i don't know who i am as a musician!" I was always trying to please someone, always the dutiful student, even when rebelling- even the act of rebelling is still working AGAINST someone, and they're more present when you're shouting "fuck you!" than they are when they say "good girl."
*
time to quite trying so hard to be anyone's "good girl." there are some that do that naturally. i was always uncomfortable there. i'll save the less meaningful for FB.
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November 2016

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