it's the best time of the year...i refuse to sink into grimness because of the impending DARKNESS that will really kick in once we lose an hour to the time change...but i am not a cave woman, i am living in the 21st century, and there are LIGHTS and there is caffeine! huzzah!
i've shyly started practicing, doing good work on brahms op 117 and relearning rorem's _poems of love and the rain_. which deserves more appreciation. i'm without a rudder- no lover to play for, no smart adult students to teach, no teacher. and i don't say that in a self-pitying way, either-- for the first time...damn...EVER..i'm not fighting for anyone, not fighting against anyone, not trying to prove myself to anyone. i admitted to richard in a phone conversation "i don't know who i am as a musician!" I was always trying to please someone, always the dutiful student, even when rebelling- even the act of rebelling is still working AGAINST someone, and they're more present when you're shouting "fuck you!" than they are when they say "good girl."
time to quite trying so hard to be anyone's "good girl." there are some that do that naturally. i was always uncomfortable there. i'll save the less meaningful for FB.